HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
he was correct
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.