Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.