Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball