When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.