@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

You Might Also Like

@djdarrellripley

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

@Rich_McCarthy

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

@humanaaron

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

@DirtMcTurd

“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
-The Government

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok