HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.


If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.


Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”


the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things


I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.


me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees


Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”



At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.