HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
@funTweeters
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love