i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
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What can I do to pass the time?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“My Heart Mustard Go On” – Celine Dijon
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.