@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

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@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@robynpalmer1

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

@AshToTheFuture

Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@Chance2k11

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

@UncleDuke1969

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.