My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My safe word is Worcestershire