@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?

- @LoneWolfStories

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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
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@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
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@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@david8hughes

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@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

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@AdamBroud

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

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@patnspankme

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@KevinFarzad

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