The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Danger is very dangerous
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.