Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
You Might Also Like
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
This is my favorite one of these!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.