Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
You Might Also Like
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Bring back the McRib
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already