Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.