Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

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Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*


I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.


Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.


A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits


Wife: Let’s go outside.

3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.

Wife: Deer don’t eat people

3: The zombie ones do

Wife: Get your dad. Now.


Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.


I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.