Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*
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Match dot com, but for socks.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits
Wife: Let’s go outside.
3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.
Wife: Deer don’t eat people
3: The zombie ones do
Wife: Get your dad. Now.
My mom made this meme don’t let her down
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus