Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
The first one, obviously
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.