Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.