Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.