Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
They’re the worst 😩
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.