@Roxtalled

Her: Make me a burrito, please.

Me: ??

*wraps her in blanket

*pours hot sauce inside

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@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@MegsHAUSTED

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

@4boding

You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.

@missmayn

I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.

@DrawingShadows

I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

@HannahLebovits

Husband just told me, “watching the federal government deal with COVID-19 is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort’s return,” and damn if that isn’t the best take I’ve heard this month

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@treydayway

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

@elunatyk

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*