Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
mechanics be like
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”