@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

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@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@TEXASVETERAN

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

@girl_a_whirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

@flashember

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

@KentWGraham

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@jake_lach

I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet