Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet