If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
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God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*