Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.