Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
You Might Also Like
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*