@joeldanger

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

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@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@Home_Halfway

Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@LethargicLife

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@caleb_driedger

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

@bjcolangelo

A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:

“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”

@ddsmidt

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.