Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
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Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:
“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.