HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.