HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
This is I, Robot all over again
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker