Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”