Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy


SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!


Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?


When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.


*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*


Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room


I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.


ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader