it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
1.) Use microwave.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control
-me, in this hotel room
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader