@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

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@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@FussySaffa

When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.

@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

@skittle624

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

@kevinseccia

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

@roxiqt

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader