Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.