HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

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boss: why were you late

me: a lake of fire swallowed the freeway

boss: i feel like you’re not considering how this affects the team


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!


*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out


Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.


S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.


[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course


If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.