HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.