@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

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@PleaseBeGneiss

boss: why were you late

me: a lake of fire swallowed the freeway

boss: i feel like you’re not considering how this affects the team

@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@PanicRestroom

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@caithuls

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

@MedusaOusa

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

@TheToddWilliams

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.