boss: why were you late
me: a lake of fire swallowed the freeway
boss: i feel like you’re not considering how this affects the team
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.
S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.
S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?
S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?
S: MOM! Come get your husband.
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
ME: …crash course
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.