HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”


Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.


First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?


baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing


If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.


ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do


Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.


A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.


[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*