HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.