@AnOrangeSNES

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

You Might Also Like

@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

@Matt_the_1st

Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@brandiwastaken

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

@LeonEarlgrey

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

@Innocent_Knave

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@LizHackett

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

@UberFacts

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.

@Jamberee13

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*