@AnOrangeSNES

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

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@Parkerlawyer

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

@Thrill_Tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

@The_No_Show

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

@fro_vo

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

@MarfSalvador

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

@liv_thatsme

Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day