her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian