her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
This dude got his own movie?
Breaking news:
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.