Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

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I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.


That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.


[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles


Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.


joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no


[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens


I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”


Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.


DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.