@djdarrellripley

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

You Might Also Like

@bfrosty04

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

@itweetmaya

That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

@sarahkendzior

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

@rohunsharma__

joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

@PlainTravis

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@Tommytoughstuff

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.