Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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When you kidnap a writer.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
*Dad cries with joy
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Me: *closes eyes*
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.