@TheHyyyype

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

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@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

@ojedge

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@Epygma

[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@Social_Mime

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.