Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.
When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.
Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.
I missed you with all my darts
My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on