Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
You Might Also Like
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.