Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
You Might Also Like
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.