Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.