Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.


It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*


No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.


I’ve waved to or spoken to my neighbor Rory every day for the past six years. Today I learned his name is Kent.


Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…


You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.


Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread