@thatUPSdude

Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

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@maurajbg

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

@hippieswordfish

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches

@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

@miffedmim

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

@marcia_bee

Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

@karanbirtinna

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

@eff_yeah_steph

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.