@thatUPSdude

Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

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@Mr_Kapowski

[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@Reverend_Scott

I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

@kimtopher22

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

@MasterOfFury

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.