[walks into 4D ultrasound office]
Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women
Me: I just want to see my burrito again
Her; My phones dead let me use yours
Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.