Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.


ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches


83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.


The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.


Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!


I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button


No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.


We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.