@thatUPSdude

Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

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@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@adamrensch

*accidentally walks into women’s restroom*
*plays it cool*
*sits down*
*finds comfort here*
*changes name to Janice*
*is alive*
*is free*

@AbbyHasIssues

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

@AndLookPretty

I’ve waved to or spoken to my neighbor Rory every day for the past six years. Today I learned his name is Kent.

@Marlebean

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

@envydatropic

You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.

@ChrisHallbeck

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread