HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
nice challenge
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.