Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.

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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”


HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


ME: who’s a good boy!!

DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit

ME: what

DOG: bark


I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.


Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.