@thepaulahunt
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
@sixfootcandy
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
@thisislizz
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
@SteveOHellNo
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@behindyourback
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
@JohnLyonTweets
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
@cool_as_heck
ME: who’s a good boy!!
DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit
ME: what
DOG: bark
@Vodkantots
I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would’ve found it already.
@Marcmywords2
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
@sozjalltheway
Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.
@ClichedOut