“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?
Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.
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When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Omg I’m so thirsty-
*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH
*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
me: i love cars
date: oh cool! i love cars too
me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2