@ClichedOut

Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.

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@ericsshadow

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

@locustbones

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

@fuzzlime

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

@notviking

me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2