HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You Might Also Like
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh