HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.