@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

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@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

@envydatropic

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

@MummaCrazy

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”

@JustMeTurtle

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

@tsm560

Me: I’m a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: You just said…
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.

@slaughthie

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.