Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.


Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.


*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”


That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.


Me: I’m a carnivore.
Vegan friend: I know.
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: You just said…
Me: I’m a carnivore.
VF: Ok! I get it!
Me: I eat meat.


I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.