Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask