@crocodilethumbs

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

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@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

@blainecapatch

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@junejuly12

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

@Diamond_Jax

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field