@crocodilethumbs

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

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@sip_at_home_mom

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.

@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@Whatevah_Amy

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

@ClichedOut

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.