Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes


just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook


She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.


Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes


HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once


A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”


me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.


(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.


Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field