Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Just this preview of the story is enough
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?