Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
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Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
so much to do
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.