Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
A Short Story.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.