Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
HERE’S MARKY
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.