My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.