@JustMeTurtle

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

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@Douchekevin

Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@SirEviscerate

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

@claire_mudie

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@AnkCoupleTO

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

@sammyrhodes

“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”