Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?