Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!
Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”