Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Life with a cat in one tweet

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Camel dough

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday