ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok