Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
reviewed some movies recently
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
uh oh
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.