HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.