Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.