@AssOnHat

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

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@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

@chrisviccaro

You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@GregHenchman

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@TweetPotato314

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.