@AssOnHat

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

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@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@Marlebean

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

@Scigglez

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…

@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

@daemonic3

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

@TheMichaelRock

*wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!