HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.


Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room


Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it


The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.


Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.


if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…


How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?


This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour


*wife notices the books all over the floor*