HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]