Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Yeah. This was me today.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
i baked you a cake
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls