@T_Bonezzz_

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

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@huntigula

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

@MicheleAKALips

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@batkaren

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@nathandeschaine

Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.

@chimneyspotter

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

@dumbbeezie

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell